erotic lifestyle-swinging couples-free singles

Bigger, Longer, Thicker (2)
by AFF Editors

[This is the second part of our AFF interview with Tristan Taormino. If you'd like to read part 1, it's alive and well and living in our archives. Simply click on the archive link. But here's the tail end of it to get you started:

"TRISTAN: Guys on the receiving end of anal penetration -- same thing. Tons of nerve endings, feels really good, and you also have a prostate. And you can directly stimulate the prostate through anal penetration. You know a lot of guys I think that the fear is, when I say prostate stimulation, they think "prostate exam." And they're like in the doctor's office with a proctologist and he's giving the lecture about prostate cancer and then he puts on a rubber glove and sticks his finger up your ass. That is not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about someone who you really dig, who you're attracted to, who you maybe even love, sucking your dick and then sticking their finger up your ass -- completely different experience.

AFF: What's the quickie primer on anal sex?

TRISTAN: I'll give you the top ten ingredients..."

And now for part 2]

TRISTAN: Number one, desire.
Number two, knowledge about how your body works and what it needs to achieve anal pleasure.
Number three, communication.
Number four, trust.
Number five, safer sex.
Number six, lube.
Number seven, arousal. Making sure that you're turned on before anyone goes near anyone's butt.
Number eight, warm-up. You cannot go from zero to sixty in five seconds flat. All penetration needs to be gradual. We need to progress to it. You have to start with a finger. And then you go to a second finger. Or a small butt plug. And then a medium sized butt plug or dildo or toy. You have to work your way up. It's got to be a progression.
Relaxation -- very important. It should be earlier, but we'll put it at number nine.
And ten, sense of humor because we're playing with our butts. So that's the short version of the Anal Sex Workshop. There is no such thing as too much lube.

AFF: When you do Anal fisting workshops, you rely on volunteers.

TRISTAN: When I do hands-on workshops, yeah, I demonstrate on people. So, I've had my hands in the asses of a lot more people than the average person -- let's say that.

AFF: What are some tricks that an expert learns that she doesn't already know?

TRISTAN: Oh, well part of it, and this is something that me an expert learns but this is a tip that can be passed on to the average person. Sometimes, I have all these ideas and then sometimes I will demonstrate on a person who will say, "you know what really works for me..." and they'll show me a new trick or a new technique. And that's just about feedback from actual people. And I think that points to one of my greatest tenets of all great sex: Your partner is the key to his or her own pleasure and sexual satisfaction. So even if you think you're the best lover in the world, when you get a new partner, all the old tricks -- some of em are going to work, some of em might be universal -- but the truth is that person is going to tell you what works for them physically. So it's really all about communicating that. Because you've got your mad skills, you've got your experience, you've got your little bag of tricks, but this is a brand new person and they're going to tell you what works for them and you may discover something totally new that you didn't even think of. Because everyone's different.

AFF: A lot of people say, "Well my last partner said I was great --"

TRISTAN: That person's gone now. You take the skills you learned with that person, but you've got to adapt them to someone new.

AFF: What negative issues come up in anal fisting?

TRISTAN: Well you've got to kind of honor your body. So say you've followed the instructions to the letter. You've had this romantic evening, you've totally gotten the person revved up, you've warmed up with fingers or butt plugs or toys and it might not happen. And that is just, like, a reality. So I think people need to kind of lower their expectations. I think that having the expectation that "we're going to get there tonight" and then you don't -- it just puts added pressure on the situation. Because I think the other thing is, in my classes I teach all these physical techniques, but a huge part of fisting is psychological. And you know it's a really intense thing. And our brains are a very important sexual organ. They can make things happen and they can hold us back from things happening. And I think it's pretty huge for people to think of someone's entire hand in their ass. And to most people that would seem extreme and insane. But even for people who are experienced, it's a big step. So I think that part of it is getting into a frame of mind where you feel ready, safe, secure, gung-ho, excited. Getting into that frame of mind is different for everyone. Getting someone into that space -- can mean doing a really sensual spanking, or doing some dominant submissive role play or whipping out their favorite vibrator and working their clit and giving them multiple orgasms because that's to relax them and turn them on. It's different for every person.

AFF: If things don't happen the first time. Does waiting between attempts help?

TRISTAN: Yeah. And I think also if you've reached a certain point before, your ass getting this experience, hopefully it's a positive experience, and then you can build on that.

AFF: Does talk help?

TRISTAN: Talking is funny. Some people are chatterboxes during sex, some people are quiet, and some people it depends on the situation. Obviously communication … it really is an important tool. And I think people are afraid to open their mouths and say, "Can you go a little harder? Can you do it a little softer? Can you go a little deeper? Could we -- this isn't working for me." People are afraid to say those things. They're afraid that their partner is going to feel criticized, or bad about how they're doing. They feel like they're going to sound bossy and demanding. And, you know, we gotta let all that go and really talk about what we want and what we need; otherwise we're not going to get it.

AFF: How do you get people to let all that go?

TRISTAN: That's a tough one. I feel that people want direction and will take direction. But you have to give them some. The way I look at is, when someone gives me feedback of any kind, whether it's "that feels really good" or "can we do this?" that makes me feel good because, not only does it reassure me, but then when they give me a specific task or direction, it boosts my confidence. I now know that what I'm about to do is going to work. I'm not flying blind, I'm not rolling around in the dark trying to like, let's just throw the spaghetti on the wall and see what sticks. You just told me what it is you want, and now I'm going to do it. I feel like I'm heading in the right direction. That makes me feel good. So I think people need to see it not as a stab at their ego or criticism or like "I'm a lousy lover" but like "wow, you're giving me these tools to be an even better lover."

AFF: Are people more afraid of hurting someone's feelings than they need to be?

TRISTAN: We all have our insecurities in life. When we're having sex, we're naked. There's the metaphor right there. We're vulnerable and we can be in a really soft, tender spot when we're in bed. And I think people can really open up in a way that they don't outside the bedroom. And so we can feel sensitive to anything our partner says. So certainly it's an intense moment, but we need to talk about it.

AAF: Were you always this open about sex?

TRISTAN: How the hell did I get here? When I came out as liking women, my very first serious girlfriend was really like a mentor and a teacher. She taught me a lot of what I know about sex, but more importantly I felt like she gave me permission to explore. And I did so many things for the first time with her. And it was as if everything was new and everything was fair game. Every sexual act, every kind of stimulation, every fantasy, every desire, it's all fair game. We're just going to play it all out and explore it from A to Z. That was when I was 19 and it was a huge part of me developing my sexual self. And so I feel like it was a sex-positive, kick-ass hot lover who set the standard. From there if a lover then tried to shame me or shut me down or question, it was like "wait a second. No, no, no. This is the way that I was taught how things should be and your little game is not working for me. You know what I mean? I was trained in this particular school -- your school of shame and repression is not flying here.

AFF: Can people bring this to relationships where one or the other of the partners has had the bad experience first?

TRISTAN: Yeah, absolutely. Another person gave that to me and then I absorbed it. But I don't think people need a super positive lover to start today. And single people too, start today. If you can be that sex-positive, empowering lover FOR YOURSELF, you give yourself permission to explore your fantasies desires -- you can validate yourself. You can say this is how it's going to be, this is my bottom line, this is the kind of relationship I want to be in, and I'm not wavering from that.

***

Tristan Taormino has authored several books, including Down and Dirty Sex Secrets and The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women. She's a regular columnist for Penthouse.com, The Village Voice, and Taboo Magazine among others, and she's produced two videos, Tristan Taormino's Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex (1 & 2). Earlier this spring, when she was invited to speak at a University of North Carolina campus, detractors ruefully labeled these two demonstration videos "porn," so we could loosely say that Ms. Taormino is also a "porn star" (just kidding Tristan). Proud designer of butt plugs (you can find the "Tristan" at your local sex toy store; and the Tristan 2 is hot off the presses, so be on the lookout). The latest Tristan news is that she has just completed The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women II, which "should be out in 2005," she told us. "And that's going to be, well, much like the butt plug: bigger, longer, thicker." You can check out more of Tristan at her site, www.puckerup.com.