sex dates-swinger love-dating kiss

By Order of the Queen (Part 3)
by The Editors at AFF

Co-owner of the sexy San Francisco toy boutiques, Good Vibrations(www.Goodvibes.com), Carol Queen is busy these days preparing for San Francisco's first Center for Sex and Culture. Queen's books on sexuality -- Real Live Nude Girl: Chronicles of Sex-Positive Culture, The Leather Daddy and the Femme, Exhibitionism for the Shy -- have helped countless men and women understand their bodies and feel good about their desires.

What else has Carol Queen been up to? Well, her latest book of short stories is out, called 5 Minute Erotica. And you'll find the Queen herself in a flurry of sexy videos: in Joani Blank's movie "Orgasm! The Faces of Ecstasy," in Annie Sprinkle's newest, "Annie Sprinkle's Wonderful World of Orgasm" (out next month), and in her own video project: "G Marks the Spot: A Good Vibrations Guide to the G-Spot."

You may have seen Carol Queen's name in our article on "May is Masturbation Month," since she was the founder of that handsome tradition. And now, here is th efinal installment of an interview with the Queen.

AFF: I recently interviewed a visual artist who felt that the current pop/marketing environment only pretends to be empowering to girls, but that it's basically still the old exploitive wolf in empowerment sheep's clothing -- say the recent marketing of T-shirts saying "slut" to young girls. You are sex positive and also female-positive -- what do you feel is the relationship between pop culture and a sex-positive culture?

QUEEN: Well, I am very comfortable with all of pop culture's sexy manifestations, *except* that I think most of the sex in popular culture is skin deep, and does not encourage real knowledge or deep thinking. A young woman needs to be able to deconstruct the term slut before she wears it on her shirt, and unless she's the sexy class nerd (like I was back in the day), she probably doesn't have the tools to do that. I would like to see true sexual discussion flower, but for the most part I think that's not happening. There *is*, though, a very lively (and smart) sexualsubculture, and hopefully some of this will trickle up.

AFF: Are there media approaches you find specious or offensive that pretend to uphold sex-positive principles, but are really harmful to positive sex images?

QUEEN: I was just talking to a writer today who's doing a piece about the "pornification" of America, and she pointed out that the ready availability of porn has made more women feel their genitals don't look right. That's a perfect example. And in fact the whole way sexiness is still the province of the young, slim, buff and blonde leaves everyone else feeling out in the cold, not sexy or deserving enough. This I think is truly harmful. Nothing wrong with thinking cute sexy young girls look good, but most of us do not fit that mold.

AFF: On a similar note, you have many friends in the porn industry, and your colleague Violet Blue has a porn video guide out -- how do you feel the porn industry stacks up in the sex-positive issue? In what ways do you feel the industry is exploitive, and in what ways is it a positive or affirming force?

QUEEN: Most porn doesn't really weigh in on sex-positive politics; sex is its topic, of course, but porn doesn't usually aim to educate or analyze or make you have a deeper experience. In a few cases, it can do those things, and I personally feel it ought to try oftener to do so. But that's just my take. I think it's easier, a bit, for someone to decide to make porn now, because we're in a world that doesn't stigmatize porn and its performers quite as much. But that's all relative. I think some porn exploits, mostly not. But it isn't all full of philosophers!

AFF: You don't seem to have much regard for the "men, Martians; women, Venutians" approach. How does this thinking complicate the sexual partnership? Or in what ways is this model limiting?

QUEEN: Oh, I hate the Mars/Venus thing! I don't have much respect for the idea of "opposite" sexes, either. Men and women are more alike than we are different. And maximizing our differences doesn't help us understand the ones that are real! I think this leads people to sigh, "Oh, I'll just never understand her/him." But we ought to try to understand the person we're partnered with, and for the most part we can. Plus, people get freaked out if they don't think they're "manly" or "womanly" enough. Let's try being people, shall we? This is one insight most bisexuals can weigh in on with some expertise. <g>

AFF: You're currently working on a project to create "the largest publicly-accessible sex library in the US." Do you think public libraries and university libraries are doing a disservice in this area?

QUEEN: Public libraries are great, but under-funded, and many are in
conservative areas. University libraries are not very accessible to
average people. When I tell people that I have between 7,000 and 10,000
books waiting to go into our library, they're amazed. But that's just a
fraction of the sex books there are!

AFF: Why do you think most of the erotica on the shelves is more pansexual?

QUEEN: I find this an interesting trend. I actually think it's because most of the EDITORS are pansexual! And erotica is a great place to try on fantasies, so putting lots of scenarios and erotic possibilities into one book is one way to attract a variety of readers. Many erotic writers, and readers, really like this kind of variety. But it's true that it is not appealing to all readers, and I'm a little surprised there isn't more specifically heterosexual erotica, as there is for gay men and lesbians. My last book, 5 Minute Erotica, is mostly aimed at heterosexual women, because that's what the publisher asked me to put together. And my friend Molly Weatherfield, a wonderful erotic author, has begun to do a more historical romance-based erotic novel, and that might be a very successful combo.

AFF: What are are some of the important sexual issues being discussed
today and what writers/educators are working on them?

QUEEN: I am interested in the debate about women's sexuality and whether women will be well-served by some kind of pharmaceutical substance. The Berman sisters are doing research on this, of course, and have written about it. But the other side is interesting; they think women's sexual problems have more to do with social factors. "A New View of Women's Sexual Problems" looks at this debate; Leonore Tiefer, one of the editors, has a long track record writing about women's sexual dysfunction from this point of view.

I also am very impressed by the caliber of thought coming out of the transsexual and intersex communities. Patrick Califia is writing about this now (he wrote a book about it before his own gender reassignment called Sex Changes). And I just love Kate Bornstein's work, most recently My Gender Workbook. Recommended reading for those Mars/Venus types! Jamison Green, whom I've known for years, has a book on trans issues coming out now as well.

AFF: What sexual research going on today do you find exciting?

QUEEN: The female sexuality research I mentioned above is exciting, though also a little limiting: so much of the money to pay for it is coming from the pharmaceutical companies, it stands to reason they aren't looking hard at NON-drug options to alter women's sexual experience. I don't think we are even close to the heart of the matter of helping all women fully enjoy sex. And I agree with Tiefer's crowd that this is partly social, not just physiological. Still, more info is good. I would love to see this kind of attention paid to the G-spot; there are still so many grey areas in our understanding of that part of the body, so many questions it's hard to answer conclusively.

Really I think all sex research is exciting (unless I think it's ill-conceived and stupid), because there is still so much to learn. But there is a big problem with its funding, especially in the US. And really the bottom line is that any new understanding, or products developed from these new findings, will be used by people who live in a culture that's really bad about giving people as much pleasure-positive sex information as they need. That means that even though we have Viagra and Cialis, we also still have lots of people who are ashamed of what they like, or who have partners who just can't get turned on, or who don't have enough self-esteem to find an appropriate partner. And most sex research doesn't even look at those "soft science" questions, yet they underlie most people's sexual experience.

AFF: If you were to write a new book, what would it be on?

QUEEN: I can't say too much yet, but I have a sex ed book in the works with my partner Robert, and I'd love to do a second volume of PoMoSexuals, the essay book that gives voice to people who don't really feel "either/or," sex-and-gender-wise. Plus I have a plan to collect my erotic stories into one volume.

AFF: Could you talk a little about doing a guy with a strap-on. How do
You approach the reservations guys might have? How is it good for the woman? What makes it good for the guy? How hard is it to do well and when does the fun begin -- or is there a long learning curve? What are some of the best positions? That sort of thing.

QUEEN: Robert and I made Bend Over Boyfriend, the world's only how-to movie for women who want to do their male partners with a strap-on dildo, in collaboration with our friends Shar Rednour and Jackie Strano. (They now own SIR Video, a fabulous company that mostly makes real lesbian porn, but does a few titles for mixed audiences. Bend Over Boyfriend (aka BOB) was for ages the best-selling video at Good Vibrations; people think this kind of play is pretty unusual, but I think it's way more common than most people realize. So if people are really into the idea of trying this, I'd recommend the video. But here's some info in answer to your question.

Often a woman doesn't have to talk a man into it; sometimes it's the other way around! Men who are in the know about their own prostate, or even just all those luscious nerve endings around the anus, are not all gay guys, or even bi. Some of them are hetero as hetero can be, yet want anal stimulation. So those guys often ask their wives or girlfriends for anal play. (Or are ashamed to, so they talk to a sex worker.) But sometimes it's the woman who wants to "get on top," and has to talk her boyfriend or husband into it. In general, if the couple is adventurous, can communicate well, and are both open to learning what to do, anal play can be a delightful adventure no matter who's getting it! (This is one great way to challenge guys who want anal sex from women: would they get on the bottom? If not, why should she?) The couple who *shouldn't* try this is the couple that really thinks there's something wrong with it, especially when the woman wants to fuck her partner out of some notion of "getting even."

The basics: get good toys (I really recommend silicone dildos), get plenty of lube, take it slow and gentle (until he is relaxed enough to want it faster or harder), and as is always the case with anal penetration, the penetrated one is in charge of the scene. Anal penetration doesn't work unless you're relaxed to begin with, and can be painful and even damaging if the bottom's relaxation and comfort level aren't taken seriously. The easiest position is probably doggy style, but plenty of people make face-to-face work for them, because that's so intimate. But once you get the hang of whatever position you pick, it can also be really hot and really sexually satisfying. It's sexy for her to get to "drive," for him to receive and to have his prostate get so much attention, and she can even get pretty direct sexual stimulation from doing it because if you wear your harness right, the base of the dildo will put pressure on your clit.

AFF: Also, I may be interviewing the folks from RealDoll. Have you gotten your hands on one of those yet? How does that vagina compare to some of the male sleeves on the market?

QUEEN: I HAVEN'T checked out the real doll close up! I'd love to; I'm sure it's better than most, as artificial vaginas go. I know they are really high-quality toys. I sort of love the image of guys figuring out how to work a douche nozzle, dragging the doll around to get her cleaned out!